Emotional Development

Transitioning into young adulthood is yet another crucial step in our development as human beings. Just as with the other developmental stages, this transition proves more difficult for someone battling a learning disability. It is not uncommon for learning disabled young adults to expect less of their future, to live with their parents longer, and to be unemployed more often. In fact when they are employed, they are more likely to work at low paying jobs that underutilize their skills.

Who hasn’t heard that adolescence for all kids is a challenging developmental journey fraught with threats to one’s intellectual and social self-esteem?

Add a learning disability to what is already considered a time of “normal” teen insanity and you have what can feel like a hopeless situation. Hopeless is exactly what many learning disabled kids feel during this stage of their lives. Adolescence is a time of individuation, a time when teens want to restructure the playing field in which they interact with their parents. The journey to create a new relationship with parents as well as solidifying a firm self image has distinct developmental hurdles along the way that must be navigated successfully in order to progress to the next step.

As parents we want to raise honest and trustworthy children. It is painful for many parents to have to face their much loved young child who lies. Yet lying is a normal function of young children until they reach the level of maturity and intelligence to realize that lying is wrong. It will take several years for children to understand what lying means and why it is advantageous to tell the truth.

For children under five separating reality from make-believe is a slow process. Children’s fantasies or wishful thinking is hard to separate from reality. The feeling is that if your child wants a toy it magically transforms itself to his/her toy. It is at this age that children learn to lie to get out of trouble. Although it doesn’t help to punish a child for lying at this age, parents can only impress upon their child that it is okay to tell the truth, and that by doing so they will not get into trouble. Children at this age have trouble separating reality from fantasy. They may have imaginary friends which they will defend as real. They may tell other tall stories which they will try to impress you with as true. They probably believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. All that parents can do at this age is to encourage children’s imaginative life and encourage them to be honest and truthful, without punishing them if they are not.

When winter is here, we look forward to more rainy days and less sun. Our daylight has a different quality that affects brain quality and produces Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD.

We know that SAD affects adolescents. How young a child may be affected is unclear, but the symptoms are not. We have seen SAD in children as young as six and the condition may affect even younger children.

The effects of SAD are well known.
• Depression or feelings of listlessness and fatigue
• Increase in appetite
• Constant feelings of sadness, that appears permanent
• Feelings of negativity, anger and irritability, often without being aware of its cause
• Problems with focusing and concentrating. Feelings of apathy or slowing down

The most difficult child to deal with is the child who is defiant, angry and oppositional. You will know if you have one because this child may have temper tantrums, argues with almost every request, is demanding, and refuses to follows parent’s orders. This behavior may show itself both at school and at home, or just at home. The child doesn’t accept parental authority, but sees himself as equal or above his parents or teacher. These children have what is called an Oppositional Defiant Disorder or ODD.

What makes matters worse is that most of the usual methods of discipline do not work.

Whatever parents try, whether it is spanking, depriving them of their favorite toys, or putting them in their rooms, these children are defiant and uncooperative. These children, often called Explosive Children seem to have a need to control their parents rather than accepting control, often right from birth.

Children aged five and under often take things, just because they want them. They may not have learned the lesson that you they are not supposed to steal or lie. By the age of six they should have learned that both are unacceptable. However, sometimes children take things for a variety of reasons, many of which do not make sense to parents.

Children take things and lie about it may do so because they want parental attention. They do so in such a way that they are sure to get caught. They do it for the same reason they lie about feeling ill. For at least a short period of time they become the focus of their parents interest and attention. They may lie to impress their friends with what they can get away with, or lie to a teacher or other adult about their family to feel a momentary superiority about how they can fool others.

Parents need to be armored against surprises about what their children are doing. There are warning signs that should that should signal parents to take action before their child does something drastic that could change their life.

Changes in behavior are a signal that something important is happening. Children who become more isolated from friends, or begin to hang out with different friends who are among the less socially accepted, are signs that something important is going on.

Children's frustration and anger with other children, their teachers or their school may be signaling that they have a problem. It is not only the anger, but also the seeming inability to solve these problems that is important. We all feel anger at times, but some children seem continually angry and seem to stay that way.

Just as we all feel anger at our children at some point, we all need to learn to control that anger so that it is not destructive to our children. We need to control our anger for our own sake, as well as to teach our children to learn more constructive behavior. Children are not small adults. They learn concretely by doing more than by verbal comments on our part. As we grow verbal learning becomes a second major way to learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

Anger interferes with our ability to deal with a child’s behavior. There are a number of ways to short-circuit our immediate possibly explosive behavior. For children and parents taking a time out, sometimes, for only a few minutes, allows us to correct the situation. Since anger produces energy, the longer we wait to express it and allow the energy to dissipate, the more rational we can be on how to handle our feelings and thoughts about how to turn the situation into a positive learning experience for a child.

ADHD is one of the most frequent diagnoses given to school-age children today. It is also the question most parents want answers to. About 5% of all children suffer from ADHD and about 50% of all special education students. Twice as many boys suffer from the problem than do girls.

What is ADHD? Children who have difficulty paying attention, who are impulsive and usually show excessive motor activity have this problem. Their inattention shows in their difficulty concentrating in the classroom or doing homework. They may not finish things that they start. They often tend to daydream, or stare out the window rather than doing what their teacher expects of them. They often show inappropriate levels of activity, such as being unable to sit still and listen, kick the chair in front of them, or get out of their seat at the wrong time. Strangely these children can often watch a TV program without showing any of this behavior. However, as soon as some competing behavior distracts them, they may no longer be able to sit still. It is this inability to keep their focus while other activities are going on that is the hallmark of the impulsive child.

Our children are involved in more and more activities. Some are physical activities such as team sports. Some are enrichment activities such as learning to play musical instruments. All of these activities can be either a wonderful opportunity for children or they can lead to failure. Every parent wants his or her child to be a winner, not a quitter. When the child wants to stop an activity, parents are often unsure of the reason why. Should they allow the child to stop? Does this brand them as losers or not? Parents need to listen to their children and evaluate their decisions.

Children quit for many reasons. The activity maybe wrong for a particular child, or the timing in a child’s life may be wrong. Children want to stop because they are not getting on with the other children or may not like the teacher or coach. A particular activity may be boring for a child, or he/she may not be interested in that activity at a particular time. Sometimes children initially want to do what their friends are doing and then find it is not to their liking. Parents often choose activities like playing the piano, or a team sport, and the child doesn’t have the skills or maturity to enjoy the activity. Finally many children are over-extended. They enjoy an activity, but are involved in so many that they have no time just to be themselves and play.

Although children change constantly from birth through adolescence, no period is more dramatic, or sometimes traumatic as this very busy time of life.

Children’s coping skills are put to the test as they are separated from their parents for six hours a day or more, for the first time. They need to learn new coping skills socially. How to get along with other children in a big school. They need to learn what really goes on at school and how to fit in. They need to learn how to be assertive and to get their way without being aggressive. They need to learn to handle success and failure both socially and academically. They need to learn behavioral self-control in new ways. They need to handle their developing sexual curiosity and eventually how to cope with puberty. They need to learn appropriate gender roles as to how a boy or a girl behaves in our society. They need to learn to cope with feelings of depression and stress. They need to learn about the consequences of lying and stealing. They may have to learn how to deal with sibling rivalry and possibly divorce, or how to act as an adopted child. They need to learn about making and keeping friends, as well as dealing with bullies. This is just a partial list children learn as they develop physically, they develop language and cognitive skills and learn to play like children.

Although children change constantly from birth through adolescence, no period is more dramatic, or sometimes traumatic as this very busy time of life.

Children’s coping skills are put to the test as they are separated from their parents for six hours a day or more, for the first time. They need to learn new coping skills socially. How to get along with other children in a big school. They need to learn what really goes on at school and how to fit. They need to learn how to be assertive to get their way without being aggressive. They learn to handle success and failure both socially and academically. They need to learn behavioral self-control in new ways. They need to handle their developing sexual curiosity and eventually how to cope with puberty. They need to learn appropriate gender roles as to how a boy or a girl behaves in our society. They need to learn to cope with feelings of depression and stress. They need to learn about the consequences of lying and stealing. They may have to learn how to deal with sibling rivalry and possibly divorce, or how to act as an adopted child. They need to learn about making and keeping friends, as well as dealing with bullies. This is just a partial list children learn as they develop physically, they develop language and cognitive skills and learn to play like children.

With the myriad of articles and books on how to be a good parent, most of us are left with feelings of guilt. We don’t need good reasons to feel guilty, only that we haven’t lived up to our desires to be the perfect parent.

There are no perfect parents, only those who considering all the possibilities, feel that they have done the best that they are capable of doing. However, all of us fail in some area. We may not be spending enough time playing with our child. We may not be there when our child needs us. We may too easy or too tough a disciplinarian. We may lose our temper, or become irritable and yell at our children. There is no end to the reasons for feeling guilty if we have tendencies in that direction. As our children start to move away from home and attend school, events happen to them that also make us feel guilty. We wonder if we have prepared our child for dealing with problems in the real world.

Children don’t do what they are told, parents become frustrated and start yelling. It is what some of us do sometimes and others do routinely. Yet when I ask parents if it works, they usually admit that it usually does not. So why do we continue doing it?

We yell because we can’t think of a better way of changing our child’s behavior.

We yell because we are annoyed and it is an easy way to control behavior. As we become more frustrated, we become angrier. Yelling leads to increased tension in ourselves and our child. However, it prevents us from looking at other ways of solving the immediate problem.

Not only is divorce traumatic for the adults involved, it is traumatic to the school age child. As children start school they begin the process of becoming independent from their parents. They begin to learn how interact with other children and adults without the immediate supervision of their parents. So it is especially difficult for the child to handle the thought of his/her routine to change and the stability and constancy of their home to end. The result is that a child may show feelings of resentment, anger and anxiety over what is about to happen. Who will take care of him/her? What will life be like without father or mother, and who caused the problem in he first place. Children inevitably feel guilty and blame themselves, even though reassured by both parents that it is not their fault.

Tell your child when parents have made a decision, not when there is a possibility of divorce. Raising a child’s anxiety for what may not happen is not healthy for children. Be honest and tell your child you are divorcing while at the same time reassuring the child that it is not their fault. There is nothing positive for a child in your divorce so do not emphasize the good outcomes of the divorce, unless it is clear to your child from the extensive arguing and fighting why you are divorcing.

The sad news is that despite all the advertising you cannot raise a child genius if your child does not have the innate ability to learn. The good news is that you can stimulate your child by relaxing and playing with him/her. Talking and reading with your child are also excellent ways of stimulating a child’s brain. Age appropriate toys are stimulating to a child’s sensory-motor abilities. As soon as a child is born there is a rapid development of the child’s senses. Seeing, hearing, touch and tasting all are developing avenues for your child to learn. The child begins to put everything in his/her mouth as a way of learning about it. As a child gets teeth everything is tasted or bitten as a way of learning more about it. This is a way a child learns. As a child’s senses develop there is not much use in trying to teach a child to read or calculate, because there are other tasks to complete first.

Children can benefit from being read to at any age. For those of us who work with learning disabled children it is clear that a major weakness is in reading and reading comprehension. If parents wish to stimulate their children at an early age the best task of all is to instill a love of reading. Read to your child daily until they are able to enjoy reading by themselves and even longer. We all love stories. For generations before books knowledge was transmitted primarily through stories and the wandering storytellers were much admired and listened to. A child learns to love reading by emulating parents. As you sit and read daily so will your child model their behavior after you. In some families reading out loud is carried on longer than childhood as something that the family does together. It is this love for reading and listening to reading that stimulates a child intellectually.

A common complaint that parents have is that their child does not listen to them. The reverse is often true as well. Children grow up with many problems, but their parents often don’t listen to them.

If the problem is a physical one parents are more likely to listen to the problem, but not always. There are other important problems that children will talk to their parents about that may not get listened to.

Learning problems are often ignored. Parents tend to downplay learning problems and say to the child, “If you work harder you will understand it better,” or “Study harder” or some equivalent. About 15% of children have learning problems, some simple and some complex. Research has shown that many children who do not receive help with their problems tend to fall further behind. What is a simple problem may over time become a major problem where a child is no longer able to keep up with the class. Yet the problem initially is simple to resolve. If your child, as an example, is behind in arithmetic, it may be easily resolved with a little help but after the child is six months or more behind the problem becomes much more serious. Arithmetic is one of the academic subjects that are built in a step-by-step manner where the child has to resolve the basic steps before moving onto the following steps. It is important to listen to your child and get suitable help when your child is asking for help. If you are one of those rare parents who can comfortably help your child solve the problem then do it. If you cannot, then seek suitable professional help.

The world, for most of us, is strongly based on rewards and punishments. We go to work so we can get our paychecks. We save our money and delay our gratification so we can buy what we need or want. I wouldn’t consider arguing with my wife before dinner, not if I wanted her to continue preparing it. As adults we know about rewards and consequences for our behavior.

It is no difference for our children. Rewards and punishments will modify their behavior. They also can learn to continue with good behavior and eliminate unwelcome behavior. The task is to learn what works for you and your child. Although punishments will often work in the short term, they are not as effective for long periods of time. They also leave a residue of anger and resentment that can last for a long period of time and have unfortunate consequences. A reward system can be equally effective depending on the age of the child and his/her makeup.

Most of us remembering our childhood want to be a better parent than the ones we had. It is often not that our parents were not good parents, but we can recall the times they were too stern, too parental, and we made a vow to be friendlier to our children. It was a good vow. Being friendly and loving are exactly what a child needs. A child needs friends and parents. Hopefully there will be many friends, but only two parents to act like parents and set limits.

The problem arises when our child wants to break the rules set by you or your spouse. It may be, “Just this once.” Or “Please, I really want it.” Said in a plaintive voice, we waver. We would like to be seen by our child as not only a parent, but as a friend. If we don’t give in our child may say, “I hate you,” a terrible attack on our efforts to be the perfect parent. We begin to doubt our actions. Maybe this once it would be friendlier to give in. After all none of us want to be hated by our child.

The fears and passions of the ages eleven to thirteen create a difficult time for both children and their parents. It is a time that both boys and girls show both moodiness and irritability as well as an intolerance for their parents.

As the hormonal and physical changes take place, children become overly sensitive and self-conscious about the changes in their physical development. The basic conflict is that they want to appear older and more mature, and yet a part of them wants to retain the comforts of being younger and unchallenged. They are particularly sensitive to comments or references to their developing sexuality.

This is a period of great anxiety about social relationships. It is about making and keeping friends, of being popular and accepted. Feelings range from deep depression to great happiness in a short space of time. Parents are often bewildered since they do not understand the underlying cause of these mood swings.