Friend or Parent: Which one are you?

by Dr. Gerald Deskin, Ph.D.

Most of us remembering our childhood want to be a better parent than the ones we had. It is often not that our parents were not good parents, but we can recall the times they were too stern, too parental, and we made a vow to be friendlier to our children. It was a good vow. Being friendly and loving are exactly what a child needs. A child needs friends and parents. Hopefully there will be many friends, but only two parents to act like parents and set limits.

The problem arises when our child wants to break the rules set by you or your spouse. It may be, “Just this once.” Or “Please, I really want it.” Said in a plaintive voice, we waver. We would like to be seen by our child as not only a parent, but as a friend. If we don’t give in our child may say, “I hate you,” a terrible attack on our efforts to be the perfect parent. We begin to doubt our actions. Maybe this once it would be friendlier to give in. After all none of us want to be hated by our child.

You can’t be a friend and a parent at the same time, a lesson we quickly learn. As a friend all we need is to be liked. As a parent what we need is to be respected and obeyed.

When we look at what is best for our child it is clear that a child can have many friends, but usually only two parents. Our role as parents is that of a teacher. When we have friends, we talk of equals. Our children are never our equals until they grown up and are no longer children. What they are is more important than a friend; they are individuals who are dependent on us to teach them limits, to teach them the meaning of “no”. Not in the sense of being mean, but rather of being firm. We say “no” to help them learn how to delay gratification, to complete the tasks assigned to them and to learn how to fit in to an increasingly complex and difficult society.

If we don’t set limits we get children who are spoiled, who grow up to be brats and generally who are unhappy because they haven’t learned that they can’t have everything they want. We have all seen children like this in a store or restaurant, and we know we don’t want to have children like that.

Raising children is not a popularity contest. It is often hard work until your child realizes you mean what you say. It means that you as a parent need to know that you will not be loved every minute of every day, and that is okay. Some parents have difficulty handling the fact that their child is angry with them. What is most important is that you, as parent, teach your child the lessons needed to survive in our society. This means you have to deal with your feelings of being unloved for a period of time.

The good news is your child’s anger will only last a short period of time and he will usually say, “I love you Mom, or Dad”. Kids usually love their parents, even the ones that are less than perfect. If their anger continues and is related, usually in adolescence to the need for independence, you need to talk with your child and possibly get the help of a professional child counselor or psychologist.

Suggestions for Parents:

You cannot be both a parent and a friend to your child. It is important that you are clearly their parent in a loving but firm manner.
If you cannot work through your child’s anger you may need to see a professional.