Encouraging Good Behavior

By Dr. Gerald Deskin, Ph.D.

The world, for most of us, is strongly based on rewards and punishments. We go to work so we can get our paychecks. We save our money and delay our gratification so we can buy what we need or want. I wouldn’t consider arguing with my wife before dinner, not if I wanted her to continue preparing it. As adults we know about rewards and consequences for our behavior.

It is no difference for our children. Rewards and punishments will modify their behavior. They also can learn to continue with good behavior and eliminate unwelcome behavior. The task is to learn what works for you and your child. Although punishments will often work in the short term, they are not as effective for long periods of time. They also leave a residue of anger and resentment that can last for a long period of time and have unfortunate consequences. A reward system can be equally effective depending on the age of the child and his/her makeup.

Rewards should be tailored to the age and maturity of the child. Praise for good behavior is often the most important reward and the most long lasting. A child’s self-concept is strongly affected by how parents treat that child. For young children making up a chart and adding stars to it often works very well. Let your child know that stars are added for good behavior and taken away for misbehavior. When a certain number of stars are earned the child can get a treat, or a toy, or be taken to some special place such as an amusement park. The goal should be attainable in a reasonable amount of time depending on your child’s age. If a child can earn several stars a week for good behavior in several areas it becomes highly motivated. Parents need to decide whether stars should be given on a daily or weekly basis depending on the age of the child and his/her ability to wait for a reward. Parents need to be consistent with this reward system for it to work.

As children get older and praise or a star system alone do not work there are other rewarding systems that can work. In older children money to buy what they want becomes of greater importance. Parents need to contract with their child or adolescent. This can be done with allowances or with money for good behavior or good grades. Remember that parental praise is still the best reward. There are those that argue that bribery is not a healthy approach with children. However, we as adults are rewarded with money for the things we do at work and we would not do them if we didn’t get paid.

Punishment for negative behavior may also be necessary at times. It should be short and immediate. Keep in mind that over time rewards are a better means of controlling a child’s behavior.

As a child’s behavior improves the old contracts can be ended and new ones entered into. From using praise, to using stars, to using money or some other reward, a child’s behavior changes and operates in a more positive mode. Using praise still remains the most positive and lasting reward to your child. Other rewards can come less often and at appropriate times such as when your child has achieved some marked goal successfully. There are enough other reasons to give gifts to your child such as birthdays, holidays such as Christmas or Chanukah or just because you want to reward him/her for being such a great child.

Suggestions for parents:

Use praise rather than punishment whenever possible to motivate your child.
For young children try using a star system and contract with your child to use a set number of stars to gain some treat or toy.
For older children money is a great motivator for good behavior.