Early Adolescence: A Trying Time For Parents And Children

By Dr. Gerald Deskin, Ph.D.

The fears and passions of the ages eleven to thirteen create a difficult time for both children and their parents. It is a time that both boys and girls show both moodiness and irritability as well as an intolerance for their parents.

As the hormonal and physical changes take place, children become overly sensitive and self-conscious about the changes in their physical development. The basic conflict is that they want to appear older and more mature, and yet a part of them wants to retain the comforts of being younger and unchallenged. They are particularly sensitive to comments or references to their developing sexuality.

This is a period of great anxiety about social relationships. It is about making and keeping friends, of being popular and accepted. Feelings range from deep depression to great happiness in a short space of time. Parents are often bewildered since they do not understand the underlying cause of these mood swings.

This is a time of strong romantic attachments to peers. Although these attachments may be short lived, they are nevertheless important to your child at the time and shouldn’t be joked about, or underestimated by parents.

Anger and irritability at both parents and siblings is common, as your once “loving and happy” child becomes somebody new to you and you often don’t like. It is best for parents to back off at this time and not interfere with your child’s friends. Unless, of course, these are friends with whom you do not wish your child to have an association. Remember, this is a time of reality testing. Your child is trying to develop a close group of friends with which to interact. Of course while learning about the friends they have, there will be mistakes. Only in this way will your child learn what true friends are. Your child’s social support group is now as important as the family support group, and sometimes more important

Remember that this is a short period in your child’s development. It is a precursor of the skills needed in adolescence that still retains some of the same behaviors of early adolescence. Children can still be irritable and moody. If they haven’t solved the basic problems of having accepted their physical body and their sexuality, this can still be a problem. If they are still having social difficulties and are working through the problems of being popular and achieving a certain status in their group that is acceptable to them, then they still must work through these difficulties.

Parents need to see child development as a series of stages in which their child hopefully masters each stage before going on to the next one. It does not mean that your child will be the same at 13 as at 25. As one example, the child who is careless about dress or hair at 13 may be someone who is very careful at 16 or 17 about how they look. It is the same with other characteristics. Sometimes parents worry too much about the future rather than concentrating on the present.

Suggestions for parents:

1. Realize your child is going through a difficult transition period from 11 to 13 and accept their moodiness as a part of their growth.

2. Help them with any difficulty such as social acceptance, if you can do so without seeming controlling or directing. They need to see that they are doing it all themselves