Divorce and the School Age Child

By Dr. Gerald Deskin, Ph.D.

Not only is divorce traumatic for the adults involved, it is traumatic to the school age child. As children start school they begin the process of becoming independent from their parents. They begin to learn how interact with other children and adults without the immediate supervision of their parents. So it is especially difficult for the child to handle the thought of his/her routine to change and the stability and constancy of their home to end. The result is that a child may show feelings of resentment, anger and anxiety over what is about to happen. Who will take care of him/her? What will life be like without father or mother, and who caused the problem in he first place. Children inevitably feel guilty and blame themselves, even though reassured by both parents that it is not their fault.

Tell your child when parents have made a decision, not when there is a possibility of divorce. Raising a child’s anxiety for what may not happen is not healthy for children. Be honest and tell your child you are divorcing while at the same time reassuring the child that it is not their fault. There is nothing positive for a child in your divorce so do not emphasize the good outcomes of the divorce, unless it is clear to your child from the extensive arguing and fighting why you are divorcing.

Avoid blaming and criticizing your spouse. Children need to love both parents and not be forced to take sides. Ideally both husband and wife should be present when you tell your child. Not only does your child need reassurance that they are not a cause, the child needs to know how it is going to affect them. Who will they live with? How often will they see the parent that is leaving? Will they be able to keep their own room and stay in the same school? In other words, will they be able to keep the same routine. If possible the less changes your child has to make the happier the child will be. If there are inevitable changes, hopefully they will not occur immediately, but happen gradually and slowly.

Parents should make divorce related decisions not children. Questions as to child custody, times when the absent parent will see the child, questions of child support should all be made by parents and told to the child. Children should not be in a position to judge or criticize the other parent. However, children should know what is happening in the divorce to avoid feeling left out or abandoned. This means also sharing your feelings that may affect your behavior. If you feel depressed and your child is aware of it, it may explain your unusual behavior. In this way the child does not feel guilty or to blame.

Parents should create a situation where children are free to express their feelings. Both parents should ask as to how the child is doing. Listening in a non-critical and non-judgmental manner is important for the child to feel the necessary freedom to talk to you about their changing feelings. Although most children are aware of divorce and the fact that some of their friends come from divorced families, the fact that it is happening to them may be overwhelming. They may express feelings of rejection by one or both parents. They may blame alternately one and then the other parent, or sometimes both for upsetting their life. Parents who can listen in a supportive way can help their children through a difficult period, while at the same time having to deal with their own feelings.

Suggestions for parents:

Parents, while going through their own crisis, need to be aware of their children’s reaction to their divorce and be reassuring and supportive.
If you feel that your child is not handling your divorce well you might seek professional assistance from a child counselor or child psychologist.