Family Development

Just as we all feel anger at our children at some point, we all need to learn to control that anger so that it is not destructive to our children. We need to control our anger for our own sake, as well as to teach our children to learn more constructive behavior. Children are not small adults. They learn concretely by doing more than by verbal comments on our part. As we grow verbal learning becomes a second major way to learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

Anger interferes with our ability to deal with a child’s behavior. There are a number of ways to short-circuit our immediate possibly explosive behavior. For children and parents taking a time out, sometimes, for only a few minutes, allows us to correct the situation. Since anger produces energy, the longer we wait to express it and allow the energy to dissipate, the more rational we can be on how to handle our feelings and thoughts about how to turn the situation into a positive learning experience for a child.

Although children change constantly from birth through adolescence, no period is more dramatic, or sometimes traumatic as this very busy time of life.

Children’s coping skills are put to the test as they are separated from their parents for six hours a day or more, for the first time. They need to learn new coping skills socially. How to get along with other children in a big school. They need to learn what really goes on at school and how to fit in. They need to learn how to be assertive and to get their way without being aggressive. They need to learn to handle success and failure both socially and academically. They need to learn behavioral self-control in new ways. They need to handle their developing sexual curiosity and eventually how to cope with puberty. They need to learn appropriate gender roles as to how a boy or a girl behaves in our society. They need to learn to cope with feelings of depression and stress. They need to learn about the consequences of lying and stealing. They may have to learn how to deal with sibling rivalry and possibly divorce, or how to act as an adopted child. They need to learn about making and keeping friends, as well as dealing with bullies. This is just a partial list children learn as they develop physically, they develop language and cognitive skills and learn to play like children.

With the myriad of articles and books on how to be a good parent, most of us are left with feelings of guilt. We don’t need good reasons to feel guilty, only that we haven’t lived up to our desires to be the perfect parent.

There are no perfect parents, only those who considering all the possibilities, feel that they have done the best that they are capable of doing. However, all of us fail in some area. We may not be spending enough time playing with our child. We may not be there when our child needs us. We may too easy or too tough a disciplinarian. We may lose our temper, or become irritable and yell at our children. There is no end to the reasons for feeling guilty if we have tendencies in that direction. As our children start to move away from home and attend school, events happen to them that also make us feel guilty. We wonder if we have prepared our child for dealing with problems in the real world.

Children don’t do what they are told, parents become frustrated and start yelling. It is what some of us do sometimes and others do routinely. Yet when I ask parents if it works, they usually admit that it usually does not. So why do we continue doing it?

We yell because we can’t think of a better way of changing our child’s behavior.

We yell because we are annoyed and it is an easy way to control behavior. As we become more frustrated, we become angrier. Yelling leads to increased tension in ourselves and our child. However, it prevents us from looking at other ways of solving the immediate problem.

Not only is divorce traumatic for the adults involved, it is traumatic to the school age child. As children start school they begin the process of becoming independent from their parents. They begin to learn how interact with other children and adults without the immediate supervision of their parents. So it is especially difficult for the child to handle the thought of his/her routine to change and the stability and constancy of their home to end. The result is that a child may show feelings of resentment, anger and anxiety over what is about to happen. Who will take care of him/her? What will life be like without father or mother, and who caused the problem in he first place. Children inevitably feel guilty and blame themselves, even though reassured by both parents that it is not their fault.

Tell your child when parents have made a decision, not when there is a possibility of divorce. Raising a child’s anxiety for what may not happen is not healthy for children. Be honest and tell your child you are divorcing while at the same time reassuring the child that it is not their fault. There is nothing positive for a child in your divorce so do not emphasize the good outcomes of the divorce, unless it is clear to your child from the extensive arguing and fighting why you are divorcing.

The world, for most of us, is strongly based on rewards and punishments. We go to work so we can get our paychecks. We save our money and delay our gratification so we can buy what we need or want. I wouldn’t consider arguing with my wife before dinner, not if I wanted her to continue preparing it. As adults we know about rewards and consequences for our behavior.

It is no difference for our children. Rewards and punishments will modify their behavior. They also can learn to continue with good behavior and eliminate unwelcome behavior. The task is to learn what works for you and your child. Although punishments will often work in the short term, they are not as effective for long periods of time. They also leave a residue of anger and resentment that can last for a long period of time and have unfortunate consequences. A reward system can be equally effective depending on the age of the child and his/her makeup.

Most of us remembering our childhood want to be a better parent than the ones we had. It is often not that our parents were not good parents, but we can recall the times they were too stern, too parental, and we made a vow to be friendlier to our children. It was a good vow. Being friendly and loving are exactly what a child needs. A child needs friends and parents. Hopefully there will be many friends, but only two parents to act like parents and set limits.

The problem arises when our child wants to break the rules set by you or your spouse. It may be, “Just this once.” Or “Please, I really want it.” Said in a plaintive voice, we waver. We would like to be seen by our child as not only a parent, but as a friend. If we don’t give in our child may say, “I hate you,” a terrible attack on our efforts to be the perfect parent. We begin to doubt our actions. Maybe this once it would be friendlier to give in. After all none of us want to be hated by our child.

The fears and passions of the ages eleven to thirteen create a difficult time for both children and their parents. It is a time that both boys and girls show both moodiness and irritability as well as an intolerance for their parents.

As the hormonal and physical changes take place, children become overly sensitive and self-conscious about the changes in their physical development. The basic conflict is that they want to appear older and more mature, and yet a part of them wants to retain the comforts of being younger and unchallenged. They are particularly sensitive to comments or references to their developing sexuality.

This is a period of great anxiety about social relationships. It is about making and keeping friends, of being popular and accepted. Feelings range from deep depression to great happiness in a short space of time. Parents are often bewildered since they do not understand the underlying cause of these mood swings.